This poor blog has been rather neglected for quite some time. Many reasons have led to this, not least lack of time, a step back from technology time and a loss of passion. These all feed into a change of perspective.
You see, last year was the year I realised something had to change. I couldn’t carry on working myself sick, I couldn’t carry on trying to spread myself as thin as ice, I couldn’t carry on feeling guilt about everything.
So I stopped. Took a physical and emotional step back. This step back has been the catalyst for some massive psychological changes around here, and it had to be. You see, last June and subsequent months, I had what my Neurologist now suspects is a retinal anorism (although I’m awaiting MRI scans) associated with migraines.
When something happens in your life, it’s only natural you reevaluate things, none more so when it’s lifestyle related. Something had to give, but what?
I had to learn to let go. Before now I had been so consumed by not feeling like a good enough worker, mother, friend, family member, person-which then led to me behaving or doing things in order to rectify that, e.g constantly communicating with people, trying to arrange seeing people all the time, working outside work hours, getting stressed when the house was untidy. It was exhausting!Or was that the lack of sleep?! Who knows!
I focused on what I felt was most important to expel my energy on and tried not to worry about the others.
It has also really helped that my phone is broken so writing texts or using apps is mostly not possible! The downside of this is that I come across as…apathetic? Breezy? Callum often accuses me of not caring about things around the house. I do, but I’ve just learnt to acknowledge it and remember worrying about it, isn’t going to achieve anything. This is quite a revolution for me, often called ‘worry wart’ by my Mum.
Learning to worry less is not easy, it has meant a big shift and refocus in my train of thought. I’ve had to accept that at the moment, I need to focus on getting Ophelia to sleep, so staying in to focus on that in evenings has to take priority, even if I’m desperate for social interaction.
Whilst these sacrifices will be short lived, I hope my health isn’t.